12 Days

It's been 12 days and I can't breathe because I suffer missing you. Ben misses you badly and he tells you hi and blows kisses to you everyday. I pray you receive them from down here. I miss you. Oh to hold you once again, to kiss you, to hear your voice once more. Every moment precious, every memory priceless. Never again will I make light of memories or take anything or anyone for granted.
Love you, Josiah, we desparately miss you.

You'll Be In My Heart

Come stop your crying, Josiah.
It will be all right. Just take my hand hold it tight. I will protect you from all around you. I will be here, don't you cry. For one so small, you seem so strong. My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm. This bond between us, can't be broken. I will be here, don't you cry
Cause you'll be in my heart, Josiah Yes, you'll be in my heart. From this day on, now and forever more. You'll be in my heart. No matter what they say. You'll be here in my heart, always.




This song I heard while watching Tarzan with Josiah. It's by Phil Collins. I held him while that song played and I sang it to him. Love you Josiah. I am so glad I got that moment with you.

1 Week Mark

It is 1:14AM Sunday morning. This time last week I was holding Josiah's little body weeping over him. I wept and wept as I bathed him for the last time. He breathed his last breath @ 12:40 AM that Sunday. This feels so surrreal. I miss him. I hate it that time keeps going, it never stops.

Lord,
Please help me. Give me strength through this pain. I love You.

Thank You

I had to bury my little boy today. I have a hard time separating his body from his spirit. I feel as though a huge hole has made it's home in my heart. But I have to say that we celebrated his life and every detail was beautiful. WE had so many people come and as we made our way to the resting place there were a total of 70 cars behind us. The city police and fire department escorted all of us to Sylvan Abbey. It was amazing. I felt so honored that so many people love my son. We even had people salute us, like the president was coming or something. Josiah how special and valued you are my son. I am humbled and so thankful for all of you who fought with us and for those who ministered to our family in ways I never dreamed. We could of not made without you all!!! I thank you with all my heart, thank you. I can't say it enough, thank you.

Love you all!!!

I Need You

God,

I ask You if You can wake Josiah up. I agonize over the thought of having to put his little body under ground. I won't be able to ever see him again. I know he is in a better place and tha tI will see him in Heaven but I am human. I want him with me. I want to see him and touch him. Cancer robbed me of my son. I pray for justice. Please give me the grace to carry this horrible burden. I need You.

Info

Wednesday is the viewing from 5-8PM
Thursday @ 10:00 AM is the service at our church in Clearwater.

First Assembly of God in Clearwater
1739 South Martin Luther King Jr. Ave
Clearwater, FL 33756


Call (727) 585-5468 for details

If you would like to make any contributions, please make them to:

Eightside Records
Master's Commission USA
18409 North Cavecreek Road
Suite 2 PMB #319
Phoenix, AZ 85032

Checks are to be made out to Eightside Records.

Thank you. I know Josiah loves Eightside so much.

Day 2 Without You

My Josiah:

I love you buddy. I miss you. Your room is still the same. All your clothes are still there. The CD player is still playing "Come Walk With Me" on repeat, just like we do every night. I am so torn and lost wihtout you my little guy. I am so sorry, Josiah. I am so sorry buddy.

Josiah

I don't even know how to put this into words..............Josiah has passed away at 12:40 AM. I am lost. I am broken. I am pain. I am suffering from missing him. I am frozen. I am shocked. I am consumed by anguish.

How I love you My Josiah

How am I suppose to live without you?
Please wake up, buddy, please wake up.

Hear Me

This road is lonely does anyone hear me?
Can anyone hear the pain and agony that screams inside of me?
Can you hear my anger?
Can you hear my emptiness?
Can you hear and see what I see?
Can you hear my weariness, my depression, and my broken heart?
Can you hear my son?
Can you hear his battle cries?
Can you hear his heart?
Can you hear his plea?

My Josiah I don't have the words to tell you how much I love you. You are infused in my soul. When I look at your tired eyes I still see you. Even though your little body is broken, I still see you. I can still see you, Josiah. Even though your hands and feet fail you, even though your voice is gone, even though you struggle to eat, I can still see you. I love you and this cancer cannot rob you of you. You are still there and I love looking in your soul. When you sleep I see you, when you are sad I see you. I can see you and not this mallody. There is so much more to you than this disease. It doesn't define you, God does. I love who you are and the person God made you to be.

Beautiful Disaster

When we sing songs like "I Surrender All" and say stuff like " God I just give You my all" do we really know what we are saying? Here I am in a mother's nightmare. I think about all the times I have sung the songs and have said all the right "spiritual" things, but did I really mean them? Now my little boy is slowly dying of cancer and I think to myself "God do I really give You everything?" In the midst of watching my little boy suffer from a grueling disease I say to myself "Lord, Josiah is Yours and in Your infinite wisdom if You see fit to heal his broken physical body, please I ask that You do, but if You see fit for him to go home then please I beg of You to give me the strength and the grace to live through his departure." " I know if Josiah goes home that he will be in a better place than this harsh and cruel world, but I ask if this is the course which You allow me to walk through please help me."

In this whole experience I have found God and my salvation. I may fail, I may be broken, I may make mistakes, but I am experiencing God like I have never before. I am torn into pieces, my heart is striken with anger and much grief, but I know He is with me, and maybe just maybe I will make it. You know I am begining to know what hope is. While my world crumbles before me I am relieved to know God is my hope, my only hope. I am glad I atleast have that. I guess I could call this time in my life a Beautiful Disaster.