He was there

God was there......when I was in conflict
when I thought that life was not worth living
when I was hurt by others
when I was lonely
when I was depressed
when I cried in agony
when I was confused
when I was angry





God was there November 14, 2004 when the doctors announced my little boy's mallody
He was in that very room going through each dark moment with me

God has suffered with me
God has sustained me
He has kept me living
He is now living and guiding me through this very painful season.
God is with me, He never did leave.
His gentle presence gave me peace last night in the midst of crying and pain.

My Josiah
I love you and you are an amazing little boy. I do not understand the battle you were forced to fight, but I want you to know that I will continue to do my best in fighting for you. Even though you have this mallody you still have such a peace and joy that can only come from God Himself. I am so proud of your strength, courage , and your hard work in getting through the rough times. I can't begin to describe my love for you for it runs deep in my heart and soul. I want the world to know how incredible you really are.
love you, your mommy

Numb

Well it's been a quiet couple of days. I have to tell you that I have been enjoying my boys. Ben is soooooooooooooooooooo cute and he loves Josiah so much. I wish you all could see them together. Anyway as for me I have been feeling numb. I don''t know why. It's like my feelings are on hold or something. Even though I feel numb it seems like I discover more and more emotions each day. I wish I could describe them to you , but I can't. Atleast not yet anyway. I don't quite understand this phase, but ironically enough these numb feelings are helping get by. I feel like I can live like nothing is wrong, like there is nothing to threaten my son or my family.

Do not know what to say

Hi everyone, I know I haven't posted in several days, but I am speechless as of now. I really do not know what to say. So, maybe in a couple of days I will be able to post something. Until then keep us in prayer.

Feeling Emotions

I read this book called Getting Over the Blues (A Woman's Guide to Fighting Depression) by Leslie Vernick. She is a Christian licensed clinical social worker with a doctorate in Biblical Counseling. I use to think that depression would never happen to me because I am such a "happy person", but that all changed November 2004. Walking in this journey I have and am having emotions I did not know existed. Leslie says that "depression is the body's attempt to protect itself. When depressed, our body starts to shut down and our mind and will power become sluggish, even immobile. This may be our body's defense to protect itself from overwhelming stress and emotions that threaten our well being." I am not at that point yet because I am doing some preventive things so that don't hit rock bottom. My boys need me and I have to take care of myself so I can function. I am going to a wonderful Christian Counselor. She is amazing and has and is an incredible help to me.

I think about the Apostle Paul, Job, and Jeremiah all who dealt with depression. I think about Jesus and His intense emotions like deep sorrow, anger, and undescribable pain. Just thinking of these mighty men and our Savior encourages me to know that all of them can relate above and beyond my pain. Just knowing those things in the spiritual makes me feel like I am not alone.


Well as of now, I am still trying to figure out these intense emotions. I would have never thought in a million years that my little boy would.......have cancer. I am devastated by this and I may make mistakes and fail, but I know through Christ I have hope.

No Words

No words can describe what I just went through with Josiah. I am speechless.