The Next Day
Tuesday - When morning came, I got up thinking about what the doctors could possibly say. My sisters, Kat and Vicki, roomed with me at the Ronald McDonald House (if you are not familiar with RMH it is a place parents can stay while their child is in the hospital. So, the next time you go to McDonalds' please make a donation to the Ronald McDonald House). Since I did not get a chance to unpack I had Josiah's suitcase with me. I walked over, grabbed his clothes, held them to my chest sobbing, and I kept saying " I am so sorry my son, I am so sorry." I just kept repeating it over and over. I was hunched over in pure despair and pain. Kat just held me trying to comfort me but I could not be consoled. Once I was able to regain some strength I showered. As I showered I just stood there wanting to just wake up from this nightmare. Even to this very day I feel like its all a horrible dream.
When I got to Josiah's room Dan and Josiah were just waking up. Dan told me nurses were in and out checking Josiah and giving him his meds. His meds consisted of the following:
Decadron (steroid) - to prevent swelling of the brain
Zantac - to protect his tummy from the steroids that could irritate his stomach lining
IV fluids - to keep him well hydrated
Now, the steroids alter your moods and make the person extremely moody. So, Josiah had moments where he was, what I call, Mr. Hulk. He would scream and get so mad at everyone. Those definitely were moments that came amd went. I recall one moment where he got upset at something and he screamed for what seemed forever. I carried him down the hall to get him out of his room, but nothing seemed to help, so I just continued to hold him and love him through it.
Well, when it came time to meet with the doctors, Dan and I had Wayne(Dan's dad), Pastor Steve, my mom, and my friend Heather in the conference room. We all got seated and the doctors were all together in front of us. Dr. Tuitt spoke most of the time. He started to tell us that Josiah's situation is nonoperable. Due to the tumor being inside his brainstem performing surgery would end his life. You see the brainstem is in charge of keeping our hearts beating, our lungs functioning, and it controls the nerves in our faces. When I heard this, I could not believe what I was hearing. He gave us statistics: 30% chance to live the first year and a 5% chance of living the second year. This tumor tends to grow regardless of treatment. In that moment, Dan did a brave thing in my eyes. He told the doctors that we will hold on to the 5% and regardless of what you are telling us we are people of faith. We will believe God for Josiah's healing. As for me, I was unable to speak. My whole body was weak.
From that meeting, I decided to ignore my emotions and go into adrelanine mode. I said to myself, "God give me the supernatural strength to be all I can be for Josiah and Benaiah." I was fervent in that I was not going to allow this report to rob my sons of their mom. My frame of thinking changed into just tell me what I need to do and I'll do it. I will deal with my sadness another time because the road ahead was going to be very difficult. Josiah's immediate treatment was this: 6 weeks of chemo that came in capsules and 30 sessions of radiation Monday through Friday. He also had his other meds the steroids, zantac, and fluvocane. Those six weeks was tough for all of us. I will post about that another time.
When I got to Josiah's room Dan and Josiah were just waking up. Dan told me nurses were in and out checking Josiah and giving him his meds. His meds consisted of the following:
Decadron (steroid) - to prevent swelling of the brain
Zantac - to protect his tummy from the steroids that could irritate his stomach lining
IV fluids - to keep him well hydrated
Now, the steroids alter your moods and make the person extremely moody. So, Josiah had moments where he was, what I call, Mr. Hulk. He would scream and get so mad at everyone. Those definitely were moments that came amd went. I recall one moment where he got upset at something and he screamed for what seemed forever. I carried him down the hall to get him out of his room, but nothing seemed to help, so I just continued to hold him and love him through it.
Well, when it came time to meet with the doctors, Dan and I had Wayne(Dan's dad), Pastor Steve, my mom, and my friend Heather in the conference room. We all got seated and the doctors were all together in front of us. Dr. Tuitt spoke most of the time. He started to tell us that Josiah's situation is nonoperable. Due to the tumor being inside his brainstem performing surgery would end his life. You see the brainstem is in charge of keeping our hearts beating, our lungs functioning, and it controls the nerves in our faces. When I heard this, I could not believe what I was hearing. He gave us statistics: 30% chance to live the first year and a 5% chance of living the second year. This tumor tends to grow regardless of treatment. In that moment, Dan did a brave thing in my eyes. He told the doctors that we will hold on to the 5% and regardless of what you are telling us we are people of faith. We will believe God for Josiah's healing. As for me, I was unable to speak. My whole body was weak.
From that meeting, I decided to ignore my emotions and go into adrelanine mode. I said to myself, "God give me the supernatural strength to be all I can be for Josiah and Benaiah." I was fervent in that I was not going to allow this report to rob my sons of their mom. My frame of thinking changed into just tell me what I need to do and I'll do it. I will deal with my sadness another time because the road ahead was going to be very difficult. Josiah's immediate treatment was this: 6 weeks of chemo that came in capsules and 30 sessions of radiation Monday through Friday. He also had his other meds the steroids, zantac, and fluvocane. Those six weeks was tough for all of us. I will post about that another time.
posted by Maria | 6:47 PM
5 Comments:
I know this is so difficult for you. You are so brave to be opening up & sharing all of this on your blog. Even if no one ever read it, it is such a release. I am so proud of you. :)
I don't know about anyone else, but I think I check your blog about 4 times a day just to catch the next post. You make me appreciate my family and hold my boys a little tighter.
Girl, I'm sitting at my computer wiping my face... When this kid is his dads age he's gonna have quit a story to tell... what a testimony of God's power and a momma's faith! I believe!!!
I'm like Jamie...I bet I check your blog a million times a day too. I really admire the faith that you two have...Keep Going, We are praying you through!!
by the way..i'm Nicole's sister-in-law...Michael's wife.
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